Films > Film Reviews

Tomorrowland

by Smiley

27/04/15

‘Tomorrow’ can symbolise many things. For some, an optimistic promise of a day that the sun that will come out; for others, the pessimistic threat of a brighter future that never comes. We’ve been on the edge of it, hell, we’ve even looked at the day after it, but this month, it’s more than just a time. It’s a place. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tomorrowland.

“But Smiles”, I hear you cry, “You can’t travel to the land of tomorrow – that’s ridiculous.” What’s next? A film about a man who shrinks to the size of an ant, and has the strength of a man? No, not the strength of an ant… no, I know it doesn’t make sense… no, I’m not talking comparably, I mean literally has the same strength he did when he… yes, even though he’s now… I know the whole point is… I know it undermines… I KNOW.”

And this is where it gets really bonkers. Because you CAN go to Tomorrowland – it’s at fucking Disneyland. Now, whilst it wouldn’t be the first film based on a theme park ride (Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion) this isn’t even a ride – it’s a whole area within Disneyland. And, as much as I liked Britt Robertson in Cake, I don’t want to spend two hours watching her standing around, scratching her arse in the queue for Space Mountain. My only hope is that it’s so meta that George Clooney, in despair at his own post-modern reality, breaks the fourth wall (the one into the Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters™ ride) cuts through the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage™ into the main castle before shanking director Brad Bird through the liver with a sharpened light sabre that he borrowed from the Jedi Training Academy™ and beating him to death with Walt’s frozen head.

Disney have tried to pitch this as “original” and “Innovative”, but that’s what they said about John Carter, and that was shit. Sorry Mickey, call me cynical, but it’ll be a long tomorrow before I pay to watch a two hour tourism advert. Shallow, artificial and over-rated, you tell me Disney – am I talking about the park or the film? I’ll give you a clue. Both™.