Jay and Smiley went to Download..
Jay and Smiley’s Arockalypse Now!
Download 2015: Jay and Smiley’s Arockalypse Now!
Norwich… shit; I’m still only in Norwich… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in a campsite next to East Midlands Airport. When I was home after my first Donington Park festival, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be nothing. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the arena. I'm here a year now... waiting for a metal festival... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this city, I get weaker. I’d hardly said a word to my Editor, until I said “yes” to attending Download 2015…
And so, armed only with a tent, some clothes, and essential supplies (two boxes of the cheapest wine in Morrisons), we kitted-up for three days of the finest rock and heavy metal that the world has to offer. Over one hundred bands played across four stages - two open-air, two tented - to more than 80,000 people. What follows is a blow by blow account of our journey up-river to the heart of Donington Park-ness.
Thursday 11th June
10:32 Checked load-out. All good, so set off in car for Castle Donington.
11:06 As neither of us are driving, made tactical decision to start drinking. First beer.
15:25 Arrived unscathed. Camp established. Opened first of two supply boxes of wine requisitioned from supermarket.
15:26 The horror, the horror. The wine was terrible. On closer inspection we discovered the wine, while cheap, was also British. It tasted like regurgitated sangria.
15:27 Went to village for beer. The village is a kind of DMZ between the various fenced campsites. It had food stalls, entertainment tents, scary rides, and, most importantly, a bar.
This year’s Download went cashless. All purchases were made using a tag attached to your wristband, which could be pre-loaded with funds before the event, or topped-up throughout. We were a little sceptical about the system and envisioned all kinds of potential problems but, being the gung-ho investigative types we are, we had pre-loaded. Thankfully, our initial recce to the bar was a success. The tag system worked a treat, and continued to do so for the entire festival. Nice one, Download.
Drinking continued unfettered.
18:14 Discovered comedy tent and cinema tent in village. Decided to hang around comedy tent as “Heavy Metal comic” Andrew O’Neil, one of our favourite stand-ups, was performing there twice that evening; once with his regular set, and then later with his highly acclaimed History of Heavy Metal show. The stand-up set was excellent and whetted our appetites for what was to come. We killed a few hours stumbling around various stalls, drinking various beers, until it was time for Andrew O’Neil again.
The HoHM show was a treat. O’Neil took the stage armed with a flying V and a projector screen and mapped out in hilarious but affectionate detail the evolution of our genre, from Black Sabbath’s first clang to the horrors of nu-metal. He’s still performing it up and down the country. Treat yourself. We decided that it should be a compulsory part of Download orientation for the uninitiated.
01:47 First free hug. Unsatisfying and empty. Returned to campsite for cocoa and sleep. Busy day tomorrow…
Friday 12th June
12:05 After a cup of coffee so strong it was probably illegal, we emerged into a glorious June afternoon and ventured into the arena. Unlike in previous years it opened on time (five minutes early, actually) and there was no queue to get in. Started to get the impression that this year’s festival was very well organized. Security folks lovely, too.
13:01 We had planned a pretty tight mission schedule, having YouTubed all the bands on the bill during a particularly rock’n’roll – if spreadsheet heavy – previous weekend. We’d decided to start this year at the 2nd stage for riffy post-grunge Kiwis Rival States, whose beefed out Nirvana stylings were a worthy start to the festival, but never quite lived up to the energy of the Maori haka that kicked off their set.
13:50 A quick yomp over to the 4th stage, a tented affair, for Wolverhampton guitar and drums duo God Damn whose massive slab of octaved riffage came across like the bastard son of the White Stripes and the Doors raised on Black Sabbath and amphetamines. We loved it.
14:50 Returned to the 2nd stage to catch Swedish blues-rock quartet, Blues Pills. The sun was shining, and we were in exactly the right mood for some Led-Zep-meets-Hendrix-via-Jefferson-Airplane groove. What we didn’t expect, though, is just how masterfully it would be served. One of the best bands of the weekend.
15:50 Stuck around for Nashville’s The Cadillac Three whose yokel-fronted redneck-rock put our teeth on edge. Not so much a band as a team in Wacky Races. Fucked off sharpish to the main stage to get a decent spot for the mighty Clutch.
16:40 First time this weekend that we’d hit the main stage, and it was straight down the front for stoner-blues riff-masters Clutch. “Let’s put some gravy on these biscuits,” announced singer Neil Fallon to a receptive crowd. And man, did our biscuits get a shitload of gravy on them. A meaty, heavy, groovy gravy, viscous with the juices from a hefty joint. Delicious.
17:55 Moved to 2nd stage to find a decent crowd had assembled for metal veterans Corrosion of Conformity. It was great to see rock-royalty Pepper Keenan back with old friends, and CoC played a solid set of sludgy southern stoner standards. Superb.
18:25 Noticed that between bands the same four songs and two adverts are being looped. This became more affecting as the day progressed. Now know Somersby Cider song by heart. Won’t be buying any though.
19:00 After several pints of delicious Somersby Cider we’re back at the 2nd stage. Cheeky UK rock stalwarts Thunder bounced on stage and it started pissing down. Which is kinda funny, when you think about it. Decided that a temporary retreat may be the better part of valour, and nipped back to the tent to get ponchos.
19:20 Stayed in tent for slightly longer than planned to shelter from increasingly heavy rain. Fuck that. Can hear Judas Priest on the main stage from here.
20:03 Rain not letting up, but not prepared to sit in tent any further. Sucked it up and schlepped back to the main stage in time to catch Priest yelping a crowd-pleasing quadruple whammy of Breaking the Law, Hell Bent for Leather, Painkiller, and Living After Midnight, and secure a relatively un-soggy spot for tonight’s main stage headliner, Slipknot.
21:07 Still raining. Still waiting for Slipknot.
21:20 Opening night headliners Slipknot came onto the stage in front of the biggest goats-head we’ve ever seen, and we’ve seen a few at Donington over the years. Armed with a set of songs from the new album mixed with the obligatory classics, the tightly packed and literally steaming crowd gave not a single fuck about the weather, especially not during the now-familiar sit-down/jump-up crowd participation set-piece in Spit It Out.
When confronted by the extraordinary show Slipknot deliver, it can be easy to overlook that beneath the theatrics beats the heart of a truly great band. You don’t get to headline Download with style over substance, and Slipknot’s performance was substantial.
22:50 As the steaming maggots filed away from the stage, we beat a squelching retreat back to the tent.
00:08 Back at tent. More cocoa. Talked at length about how Corey Taylor’s new mask makes it look like he’s wearing Phil Collins’s face. Then sleep.
Saturday 13th June
11:17 Still raining. Feet hurting. Could hear the Lounge Kittens cheeky 3-part harmonies from the tent, but when you’re down to your last warm, dry clothes, it takes will to get going. So, more coffee, a pep-talk, and we’re waterproofed and back to the arena. It’s slow going…
11:50 Made it through a veritable quagmire to the 4th stage for Love Zombies. The crowd was swelled by shelter-seeking soggies, but no bigger than they deserved. Their jaunty high-energy pop punk with a twist kicked off the day nicely, and dryly.
12:11 Spotted someone sitting by the side of the stage knitting. This just goes to show that in inclement weather, you have to get in early if it’s a band you really want to see.
12:40 Stuck around (almost literally) for New Year’s Day, but their formulaic female-fronted nu-metal by numbers failed to impress, and the rain had let off a little, so went to find beer and food.
13:27 Still drinking. Weather becoming more manageable as day progresses. Getting from place to place is tough going, though, and it’s taking its toll on our delicate tootsies.
14:20 Returned to the 4th stage for the dirty groove-rock of Crobot. Thoroughly captivated by onstage energy and ear-worm riffs. One of the most stylish acts of the day, and a frontman most bands would sell their kidneys for.
15:30 Heading to the 2nd stage to catch veteran Liverpudlian frowners Carcass. While walking past the main stage managed to catch a few songs from Aussie metalcore drongos Parkway Drive. Not really our cuppa, but the fans were loving it.
15:32 Chug our drinks after losing game in which we have to drain our beers every time a singer attempts to get a circle-pit going by shouting “let’s open this shit up,” or a close variant thereof. We fucking love Parkway Drive.
16:24 Both agree that grindcore pioneers Carcass do it better than most other “heavy” bands half their age. Personal highlight Corporal Jigsore Quandary stood out in an expertly played set of down-tuned rumbling which sounded a bit like a limestone quarry being tumble-dried. In a good way, mind.
17:08 Nowhere to sit due to mud. Tootsies complaining. Blisters appearing.
17:40 Back to 4th stage for Dub War. Been looking forward to this since we heard that they had reunited after 16 years specifically for the festival. We were not disappointed. The ragga-laden rock fusion was just what was needed to make the crowd forget about the grey skies outside, and singer Benji, now best known as the frontman for the brilliant Skindred, owned the tent.
18:09 Over to main stage to get good spot for Faith No More. Caught the end of Day to Remember, who were instantly forgettable.
19:00 Stage bedecked in flowers. Very excited.
19:05 Faith No More took the floral stage in white suits, and played the best set of the weekend. We shit you not. Vocal wizard and consummate showman Mike Patton teased and guided a rapt crowd through choice cuts from the new album Sol Invictus, a roll call of assured classics, and more obscure, but hugely welcome, surprises. Faultless on every level. They’re perfect, yes, it’s true.
20:20 Pondered whether anything can follow that.
21:00 No. Or, at least, certainly not the once-great Marilyn Manson on the 2nd stage. We watched him slur, squeak, and mumble over a backing track for a few minutes before we decided to head to the main stage for Muse.
21:15 We chose wisely. Muse, whose addition to the bill raised a few pierced eyebrows, were smashing through a confident headline set which was either tailored for a heavier audience, or a sign that Muse have taken a turn for the darker with new album Drones. We hope it’s the latter. The histrionics, virtuosity, eye-popping visuals, and bona-fide classics like Time is Running Out and New Born left few in any doubt as to whether Muse are a Download headliner, and the final one-two of Plug In Baby and Knights of Cydonia was a spectacular end to Saturday on the main stage.
22:05 Meanwhile, at the 4th stage, trans-international pop-rock misfits Hey! Hello! were just getting started. Led by Ginger Wildheart, who’s no stranger to these parts himself, and new vocalist Hollis Mahady (who had previously played that day with Love Zombies) they delighted a crowd who were soon oblivious to anything going on outside the tent, even though there were 80,000 people and a hooting Muse.
22:55 All over. Back to the village. The going was shit to bastard. Like wading through treacle. Give up and go back to campsite. No cocoa. All gone. Hit the British wine. It’s almost hilariously bad. Nigel Farage probably drinks it. Bed sometime later.
Sunday 14th June
09:59 Crawl gasping from inhumanely hot tent to find… sun! Clear skies! Blisters! Foot agony! More coffee! Wave our sodden clothes around like a castaway signalling a distant ship. Spread soggy unmentionables on the tent roof.
11:07 Made our way to arena. Just as we were leaving the campsite it clouded over again, so we’d got cagoules out the wazoo. Fool us once… Arrive to find that the arena floor has had more hay dropped on it than a horse’s ballsack.
12:08 Went straight to main stage to catch Alaskan ice road rockers 36 Crazyfists, who provide us with a heavy breakfast of hard riffs and shouty vocals. A bit lardy for us, but not for the enthusiastic crowd.
12:20 Caught end of pound-shop Gwar September Mourning on 3rd stage in order to secure a vantage point for Evil Scarecrow.
13:00 We had heard quite a buzz about self-professed “Blue Peter metal” band Evil Scarecrow, but nothing quite prepared us for badly made robots bursting from speaker cabs, badly made aliens kissing grown men, and the badly made robot crab-lord Crabulon. Self-effacing charm can only get you so far, though, and what wasn’t badly made was their infectious Sci-Fi thrash opera soundtrack. Evil Scarecrow won over the packed crowd from the start, and their participation, which was universal, peaked with the entire tent scuttling from side to side with their ‘claws’ in the air. Evil Scarecrow made a lot of friends, and rightly so. One of our festival highlights.
13:45 Headed to the 2nd stage to catch Scandinavian sleaze-rockers Backyard Babies. They didn’t sound their best, but we loved the songs anyway, and so did the select but enthusiastic crowd.
14:23 It used to be that the secret band at Download really was a secret. These days “secret” means “very recently announced”, and everyone knew that local boys-done-good The fucking Darkness would be playing in a little tent in the middle of the day. Made our way over to the 3rd stage in good time.
15:00 Made it to the middle of the tent for The Darkness. Justin Hawkins was carried from the back of the crowd to the front of the stage on a shield by Celtic Warriors. Is that not the single coolest fucking thing that you’ve ever heard? A fucking shield. The band, and a streamlined, energised Hawkins, then cock-rocked the knockers off the wet-socked flock with some new stuff, but it was the tracks from Permission to Land that blew the roof. Immense fun.
16:15 Southern bubble gum stoners Eagles of Death Metal were on the 2nd stage, so we headed over. Realised why lots of people were wearing false moustaches, as handle-barred howler Jesse Hughes drawled encouragement at a crowd that needed little. Great drinking music.
16:18 Got beer.
17:15 Stayed at the 2nd stage for infamous grunge blob-lobbers L7, who have finished pretending that they’re dead and are back on the scene after a prolonged hiatus. Loud, brash, and visceral. The original riot grrrls proved that they’ve still got the edge to cut it.
17:52 Set off to main stage for the rest of the evening to catch the good, the bad, and the ugly. Or Slash, Motley Crue, and Kiss, if you’d rather. Notice that the crowd is swelled by day-ticketers. You can always tell a tourist. The veterans have thousand-yard stares, the noobs smell good.
18:07 Slash, whether you like his oeuvre or not, is one of the finest guitarists of our generation. Shut up. Arrive at main stage to find him wringing the tits out of Sweet Child o’ Mine, much to the delight of the kind of people that bring camping chairs into the main arena. And everyone else. Slash without Axl is like a fish without a bicycle. And, no, I won’t give you any fucking reggae.
19:00 Motley Crue haven’t so much matured as rotted. Singer Vince Neil looks like William Shatner playing Vince Neil in the story of Vince Neil’s life as imagined by Vince Neil when he was 13; Mick Marrs has aged like a fine wine, in that he looks like he’s been laid down in a cellar for 30 years, and Tommy Lee spent the whole set snorting coke off the tip of his massive bell-end. Probably. Nikki Sixxxxx was pretty cool, though, and no one that was there to give a fuck about Motley Crue was disappointed, it seemed.
21:05 Time for the biggest act of the festival, and definitely the biggest crowd of the weekend. Time for Kiss on the main stage. We approached their headlining set with the kind of joyless cynicism exhibited only by the worst breed of blister-footed, metal-weary hacks, but you’d have to be numb from the neck up not to enjoy this show. It was one of those times when you simply let go and embrace the majesty of rock. And we did, wholeheartedly, because this is Donington, and this is what it’s all about: wide-eyed kids singing, grey-bearded men air-guitaring, and rock icons in silver spandex propelled by small explosions. We could tell you that the material was 30 years old, that Gene Simmons’ and Paul Stanley’s grunt-and-squeal dynamic sounded like Groot discovering masturbation, and that the environmental ramifications of this show will be felt by generations to come. But it was fucking Kiss - a precisely executed and utterly convincing Kiss – blasting their way through 2 perfectly constructed hours of rock and roll’s spangliest, most mindless bollocks. And if you can’t bring yourself to enjoy that, then this festival is not for you.
…and that pretty much covers this year’s Download festival. Weather aside, a huge success. We won’t bore you with the horror of Monday morning; the tears, the tent pegs, the tootsie rubbing, and the traffic jams that followed. It’s still there. When I close my eyes, it’s still there. The feel of the bass, the heat of the pyros, and the singing… oh, God, the singing. We wanted to go deep, but we went deeper than we’d thought possible, and although most of us came back, we all left a little part of ourselves in that field on that wet weekend in June. You don’t know, man. You weren’t there…
Thanks to Danny North, Richard Johnson and Derek Bremner for the photos, and to Download for having us!
