The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies
Where does Gandalf keep his army? Up his wizard’s sleevey.
Where does Gandalf keep his army? Up his wizard’s sleevey, obviously. Well then, that’s one down four to go, as this month sees the release of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; the movie that tackles chapters fourteen through nineteen of a book that, even as a child, it only took me a weekend to read.
Yes, it’s time for the finale of the latest Middle Earth story. Well at least until the six hour extended versions are (probably) released in time for next Christmas. It’s difficult to know what to write about this movie after the first two. Erm… it’s a lot like them, but this one has an ending? Basically, Bilbo and his dwarvey mates have finally stopped walking and now it looks like it’s time to stand and fight. Fight who? Well, let’s look at the tale of the tape.
You’ve got the Orc army who, as you may remember, are top arseholes. You’ve got the Elvish army, who, as you may also remember, are quite poncey, but a bit good with a bow. Then there’s the Dwarf army. They’re a bit short (snigger) on numbers, but they do have a wizard and a hobbit with a magic ring, so that could be a game changer. Next up there’s Smaug. Is he an army? Not really. He is a fuck-off great big dragon though, so that’s gonna make a mess, and finally, you have, er, Laketown. Who aren’t an army at all and, only really have one man who is any good. And Stephen Fry. Let’s face it; they’re proper fucked when that dragon gets there.
So, good news for fans of Orcy beheadings, fiery deaths and hot, naked Elf-girls then. Ok, so I made the last one up. Still worth a look though, y’know, just in case.
