Arts > Theatre

The Full Monty

02/12/14

The Full Monty

I saw everything. EVERYTHING.

As with any traumatic event, there are some things you can never truly forget. Up until last night that category comprised of my six month tour of Vietnam (they just wouldn’t stop playing Jefferson Airplane) and the film ‘Nativity 2; Danger in the Manger’ (You weren’t there man, you weren’t there!) but I can finally add a third item to that list. It is difficult to write a review of this show without slipping in to innuendo but for the sake of decency, I will try.

I was stiff, alert, cautious. Tension spread over my body as I entered the foyer but I was unprepared for the scenes of carnage before me. I felt intimidated, a social tourist stepping from the beaten path out onto the harsh and dangerous savannah. Like an Attenborough documentary, packs of middle aged predators prowled the patterned carpets in search of flesh. Earlier, I had taken the wise precaution of masking my scent by drenching myself in Chanel no 5 and Lambrini. Nostrils flared as I passed but I remained safe. I remember once being told that menopausal women couldn’t see you if you stayed completely still. I realised just in time to avoid disaster that it was actually dinosaurs.

I am eager for you to understand my motivation in going last night. It is, of course, in no way for myself. Heavens no! I simply feel it my duty to report back to the loyal Outline readers the full spectrum of theatre events in Norwich. The Theatre Royal’s accessibility policy is admirable and they run regular touch tours of visiting shows for the visually impaired. I am told this show is over subscribed.

Inside the auditorium the enormity of my situation was made apparent. I was alone, cast adrift amidst a sea of Tena lady and HRT. As a lone male, eyes hungrily surveyed my body. I felt dirty. If only those women knew what it was like to be objectified by… WAIT A MINUTE! They do. And that is part of the redeeming quality of this production. Ostensibly it may be about northern blokes getting their knobs out but it does deal with some interesting themes, looking at the social inequalities surrounding the objectification of women, treatment of homosexuals and body positivity to name but a few. At its heart the play is an uplifting one, a story of people coming together and succeeding through adversity. That and cocks. Lots of cocks. And who doesn’t love a story about that?

By the interval, I am disappointed to report, we had seen precisely one bottom. This tally was swiftly added to in the second act as the men rehearsed their routine. Crazed women fought each other in the aisles for the binoculars on the seats in front. A pound coin clutched in my sweaty palm became invaluable as I slipped it in the slot and lifted the lenses to my face. Purely for the purposes of journalistic research you understand. Sexy journalistic research.

Come the climax, a lady in the front row nearly lost an eye. Still, as she was stretchered from the building she seemed curiously cheerful, I guess now she is visually impaired she is eligible to join the touch tour. Lucky cow.